When You Feel Like You’re Too Much, But Also Not Enough

My path to self-love involved something called Two Chair Work. I went to my own coach, Courtney, with this niggling feeling that I couldn’t shake. “I’m not enough,” I told her. “But I’m also, like…too much.”

At the time I had just completed a supplementary course to my QEC practitioner training called Introduction to Gestalt. It’s a style of psychotherapy that informs the way I work with my clients. Gestalt is about focussing on our experience in the present moment, and one of the practices we learned on the course is called Two Chair Work. It’s a technique for addressing a polarity within the psyche, something we’ve recognised in ourselves that just seems ridiculously paradoxical. So when I made my confession to Courtney, I kind of knew what was coming.

“No. No fucking way,” I resisted. Two Chair Work is some hobbit-level Gollum-Smeagol shit, honestly. It looks silly. And I was afraid of what might come up. “I’m not doing it! I can’t, I just… I really don’t want to.”

I did it. I wasn’t happy about it. I wedged another chair next to mine in my already cramped study/dumping ground and made sure Courtney could see me sitting on each chair on her screen – this all took place on Zoom. And then while sitting in one chair I had to look at the other and ‘be’ the Too-Much Me. I then had to swap over to be the Not-Enough Me.

It felt pretty stupid at first. As the Too-Much Me, I sat tall and angry. “Why are you so pathetic?” I asked the Not-Enough Me. “You never finish anything. You’re not clever enough. You can’t think or respond quickly enough in social situations and then people think you’re weird.” It was actually feeling quite good to verbalise the shit that I said to myself in my own head. Like finally having an argument that’s been brewing for a while. Soon I was in the swing of it. “And you’ve got this lame, thin hair that doesn’t do anything, it sucks.”

Once I’d run out of steam, Courtney asked if I was ready to switch places. That’s the beauty of Gestalt – the therapist is there to facilitate, to hold the space and bear witness without judgement. There was nothing for Courtney to really do as such, but her presence was everything.

Shifting into the Not-Enough chair, my posture became shrunken and contracted. My voice was small. “Well…you’re too much,” I whimpered, “you get too drunk and lairy.” Oh this felt kind of good, too. “And look at you, you’re so fat! You eat too much, you’re literally too much.” My voice was getting stronger, and I was angry again. “You expect too much from people, you say embarrassing things, you get far too over-excited and then stupidly depressed about totally ridiculous things. You’re ridiculous!” The onslaught continued. “And you have all these feelings, why can’t you just cope like everyone else? Why can’t you just have, like, a normal amount of emotion and why are you never content with anything, just calm the fuck down!”

Back in the Too-Much chair, I was a little deflated. “I guess you’re right,” I considered. “But these feelings and thoughts and ideas are what make me me. I like being a deep thinker,” I countered. “And yes, I’m chubby, but I’m just not built to be a skinny girl and I wouldn’t want to be. We’re not all supposed to be the same. Big is beautiful too, look at Lizzo!” I was on a roll with my defence. “And I know I say stupid things, but who doesn’t? The alternative is to say nothing at all, and that’s just worse. Just look at what happens when you get all anxious and weird, you can’t connect with people. I’d rather be a bit lairy and a bit silly and a bit embarrassing and have fun with it!”

Not-Enough Me was getting on board. “okay, fine! I get it, you’re right. But that thing you said about my hair? At least it’s soft. And quite a nice colour, in the summer, after some sun.” Not-Enough Me was getting sassy, too. “And yes, sometimes I do sit back in social situations, but it’s okay to be an observer, too. It’s what’s made us a thinker, and a writer. And I am clever! I’m doing a Master’s degree, for fuck’s sake! And if I don’t finish things, it’s only because you want to do so many things and spread us so thin, it’s hard to keep up!”

It went on for a while. But at some point, the Not-Enough Me and the Too-Much Me came to an agreement. That all of it was okay. After that session I felt much more at peace with these different aspects of myself, and the cruelty started dissipating from my self-talk. These two polarities in my nature – the loud and the contemplative, the energy and the stillness, the sublime and the ridiculous – I realised they were all two sides of the same coin. And that’s enough. It’s just… enough. I am enough.

After that session I felt much more at peace with these different aspects of myself, and the cruelty started dissipating from my self-talk.

If this all resonates then here’s my invitation to you. Write a dialogue between the too-muchness and the not-enoughness. You could write it like a play or a movie script, or just some bullet points that ping pong back and forth. You could use different colour pens for the different sides of you, or draw the whole scenario. Have fun with it and see what happens. I hope you’re able come to a truce. Because being human is all about paradox. It’s the strength in vulnerability. Finding rhythm in the chaos. Embracing pleasure amid the pain. Your contradictions are evidence that you are alive. And isn’t that enough?

If it feels like time to explore the confusing parts of you, I'd love to help. Find out more about my coaching or get in touch through the form at the bottom of the page.